explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
