I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
