Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
