That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
