I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
