That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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