He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
