Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
