saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I could make wine with my vomit
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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