Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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