I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
