After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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