bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
