my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
