I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
