my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
