I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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