Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
