no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
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