i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
