The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
