Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
