Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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