You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
