Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
