Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
