No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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