But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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