i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Found the puke drawer
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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