your parents love me but you hate me
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
