Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
