I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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