After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
