That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
