This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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