Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
