Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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