did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
