If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
