why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
