Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
