Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
