I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Michael Bay diarrhea
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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