I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
