I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Less talking, more tequila
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
