Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
