I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
