we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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