whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My apartment stinks of burning failure
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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