I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
