WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
